Are you using time outs as a punishment or a learning experience?
With spanking rapidly becoming a dying punishment, more and more parents are turning to time outs to get their children to behave. However, most parents don’t realize that a time out is not necessarily a punishment, but rather teaching your child how to cope with problems.

It is important that you and your child understand when a time out is appropriate. It shouldn’t be used to punish acts that were done by accident or carelessness. For example, if your son knocks his milk onto the floor because he didn’t listen to you telling him not to leave it so close to the edge of the table, a more appropriate action would be to have him clean the milk up off the floor. A time out would do nothing for him in this case.

Time outs are for calming down and thinking. They are particularly useful for young children who are having temper tantrums or who get too frustrated and begin to act out violently. The time spent alone helps the child regain control of himself and he can begin to think out rational solutions.

This won’t happen overnight, however. Children need help to begin the rational reasoning process. They are governed mainly by their emotions when young, so it is the parent’s job to teach the child to calm himself and figure out a solution. This takes quite a bit of patience!

First, let your child have a warning, but don’t make the time out a major punishment. Say something like, “I can see you’re getting frustrated. Hitting your brother is not a good way to express your frustration. Do you need to take a time out to cool down?” Your child may surprise you by saying yes!

If the child continues to act out after a warning, tell him that he needs time to calm down and take him to the time out location. This can be a specific chair, the steps or a bedroom. In general, it is good to have the child on his own in the time out area so he can calm down faster. Having an audience will only make screaming that much more appealing.

Experts suggest one minute of time out per year of the child’s life. That would mean a three minute time out for a three year old, seven minutes for a seven year old, etc. However, if your seven year old calms down in one minute, it is fine to go in and talk with him.

You should try to avoid simply telling your child that his time out is over. Sit down with him and discuss why he needed a time out. Ask him what made him so frustrated and how he could have handled the situation better. Then brainstorm ideas for how he could avoid problems next time or how he can resolve the problem now. Obviously, how in depth this goes will depend on the child.

Time outs should not be simply used as punishment. They are a valuable opportunity to teach your children how to deal with life’s little upsets and can be a wonderful time for them to learn to figure out solutions to their problems. If you help them now, they will be able to deal with life better in the future.

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